I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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