Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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