I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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