the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
this will be a night to untag.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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