Swine flu. Run for my life!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
