OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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