who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
