I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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