**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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