we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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