I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My dad is sitting where you rode me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
