I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
