How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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