I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
