just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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