Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
