I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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