I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
