Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
