Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
