I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
