turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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