Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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