sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
