A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm too high and old for this...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
