I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
