i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
