I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
