Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
