Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
