I cannot find my penis.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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