Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
