he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What a dumb baby whore.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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