my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
