I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
