Don't make out with my wife yet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
