Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
