apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
