MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
