I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
