his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
