I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
