I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
