If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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