Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
