Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
