she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
