whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
