It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
