My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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